Do you ever have that moment where you recognize something big is happening, a pivotal moment in your life is about to occur, but it’s so crazy you can’t do anything about it but weep? (It’s about to get interesting here, my friends…)
As I mentioned before, I knew Holy Yoga Instructor training was going to be a personal journey for me, regardless of the final outcomes as a future teacher of a class. It’s unbelievable how – even in just this first week! – I’m totally in awe of how He’s working already!
But first…. Sunday.
As you likely already know, I’ve described myself as a highly anxious person. A worrier…. Having a most creative, runaway imagination…
And I’ve mentioned that this worry may appear to advertise a lack of faith, but convinced myself that was indeed not the case – I just worry. Well sometime back in November, I had the realization that perhaps I need to call a spade a spade and admit I suffer from anxiety. Fear is not faith.
I didn’t realize it’s not “normal” for people to have nightmares about snipers, and plane crashes, and car accidents, and bombings… almost every single night. I always have. I just figured that everyone did.
So, since that realization, I’ve had many conversations with counselor friends, and finally have an appointment to talk to a therapist this week. I had a great childhood. I’ve never had anything horribly awful happen in my life. But clearly, something in my mind just isn’t right.
Last week, as we began Holy Yoga training, I knew God was up to something when on ONE SINGLE day, the story of Moses showed up in THREE places! The First Five devotional I read in the morning is working through Exodus; Hayden’s Bible Study for All Ages lesson is in Exodus right now; and our HoYo teacher used the story of Moses to introduce the concept of our purpose vs. our calling.
Tell me that’s not a sign to wake up and listen!
* “When God wants to give us confidence, He doesn’t applaud our gifts, He affirms His presence.”
* “Who we are isn’t nearly important as who He is.”
* “His provision comes from His very presence.”
* “I want God to grow my faith, refine my character, and chisel away my selfishness”
* “Here’s my heart. Do with it what you will…”
And the kicker…
“There’s a moment coming soon when you will be able to turn around and see your giants for the very last time.
Oh how I want that! How desperately I want to be free from these anxious thoughts and never have to see them again!
And then Sunday…
Our pastor popped into our Sunday school class and we got into a conversation about his upcoming sermon on fear. (He knew I would be ripe with material for his presentation the following hour!)
Literally, as this conversation began, I got a text from one of my dearest friends announcing the safe delivery of their third son that morning (following a very lengthy labor).
Hallelujah! As you likely know, one of my biggest anxiety inducers is pregnancy. Having known two people who died during childbirth (and the events occurring just three months apart, when I was 23 years old), I always get stressed out near friends’ due dates.
So with “death of Angel during childbirth” safely crossed off the list, “terrorist attack during the ACC basketball tournament in Washington DC in March” was up next.
(This is why I try to avoid the news… With training for an upcoming 10K, and being a cold-weather-weenie, I needed to run on the treadmill at the Y. Ever since seeing some Fox News story about terrorists targeting soft market audiences like concerts and sporting events (because you can’t help but see the TVs when you’re running on a treadmill!), I’m convinced something bad is going to go down then when we’re there.)
Anyway — worship began and we sang “Wonderful, Merciful Savior” and “We Fall Down.” Which does not seem like a big deal to anyone… Except, you see, after my friend Heidi died, her church’s worship team/choir (of which she was the director), created a tribute CD as a fundraiser for her family. And those TWO songs are both on it!
I couldn’t help but sense this overwhelming poignancy of the fact that these songs were chosen on the very day that Angel had her third baby.
Because I should also mention that Angel and Heidi already have a unique connection in my heart… The previous time Angel gave birth with baby #2?… Was the 10-year anniversary of Heidi’s event. Imagine getting a text on that day, saying my water broke, and then still not hearing anything some 12 hours later! I was a worried fool that day, considering the possibilities of tragedy striking yet again, on the same day no less! (Fortunately of course, both Judah then (and Maerson this week) arrived safely and momma Angel is happy and healthy!)
And just to top it off, a little girl came forward in church to announce she had decided that week to accept Jesus in her heart and wanted to be baptized. Hayden (who typically would have been in Children’s Church), was sitting on my lap and started asking questions about when I had been baptized – which ironically, unintentionally, ALSO happened to be on the anniversary of Heidi’s death several years ago as well…
It was all too much….
This realization that God has been SO ready to work in my life this week.
This desire to want to be free from anxiety and fear.
These connections with Heidi and Angel – and death and birth.
Oy… And, you guys — I haven’t even gotten to the message yet!
I realize this is becoming way more of a book than a blog post, so I hate to do this, but we’ll have to add a To Be Continued here…
Because, as always, God just blows my mind — and I SO want to share with you how I’m ready for
LOVE to be > than FEAR.
Stay tuned… I’ll be back soon – I promise!